BORED IN your marriage? Chennai-based psychiatrist and well-known marriage counsellor Vijay Nagaswami, 54, is out with his third book in the The New Indian Marriage series. He tells Karuna John to go bungee jumping instead of biting the infidelity apple.
EDITED EXCERPTS FROM AN INTERVIEW
What is the one cheating excuse you get to hear the most?
I get some extraordinarily creative ones, but the commonest I hear is that infidelity is the “nature of the beast”. Now, a popular excuse is the quest for a “soulmate”. No one’s sure what precisely a soulmate is, but there is the general belief that one is lurking somewhere and if we get bored with our partners, we must start searching for that soulmate. People don’t realise that sooner rather than later, the “soulmate” too is going to get a bit boring, at which time a fresh one needs to be sought. The need for rationalisation tells me that we’re not quite sure whether we should be having affairs or not.
Are extra-marital affairs getting exposed faster?
When I started practising 25 years ago, the most unlikely people — conservative, middle-class men and women — were breaking their marital vows with alacrity. However, they were discreet and many went through lifetimes without their dalliances being discovered. Today, infidelity is brazen and people conduct extra-marital affairs over the Internet and mobile phones. The same technology also exposes them. The commonest method of discovery is a poorly-timed text message or an undeleted chat transcript. (It’s hard conducting an affair if you’re not tech-savvy).
Are men more prone to cheating than women?
Men tend to find it easier to initiate extra-marital relationships since they’re more familiar with the “hunting” process. But it’s not really a Y chromosome thing. However, the one interesting find in infidelity research is that men are able to handle it better if their wives have had an emotional affair than a sexual one. With women, it’s the other way round.
Is boredom still a good excuse?
All marriages pass through phases where the partners may be a bit bored with each other. Romantic love is mediated by chemicals like phenylethylamine, dopamine and norepinephrine. After a period, the chemicals return to normal levels. However, if a couple is well-bonded, another chemical — oxytocin or the cuddle chemical — comes into play and establishes a nurturing relationship. When oxytocin doesn’t make an appearance, boredom happens. Infidelity never ends well. It always causes pain to three if not more people. If the only way to deal with boredom is to search for excitement, I’d recommend bungee jumping or paragliding instead.
Is infidelity not seen as a relationship too?
Only if it’s not a one-night stand or a casual encounter. Sometimes people stay in affairs for months, even years. They don’t think of this as an affair, as it makes the relationship sound sleazy. So they just stick to thinking of it as a beautiful relationship. When the excitement wanes a bit, they put a name to what’s going on between them. Often, by the time they do this, they get caught.
Can’t infidelity be prevented?
It can, by simply understanding that everyone is vulnerable to infidelity. Affairs happen in good marriages too. It is normal to feel attracted to someone who is not one’s partner. How this attraction is dealt with determines how strong the marriage will become. If one believes, “this won’t ever happen to me,” then a disaster is waiting to happen. If you accept that everyone is vulnerable, then you are on guard to ensure that you don’t act on your attraction. If you work hard to ensure that however strong the sexual tension, the lakshman rekha is always kept in mind, then affairs can be prevented.
Can anyone survive cheating?
A majority of transgressions always happen in a context. I’m not for a moment exonerating such transgressions. All transgressions take place in full consciousness and with full awareness of consequences, but they always take place in a context. Something happens to make the transgressor feel that the best way to deal with whatever issues that exist in the marriage is by having an affair. If this “something” is understood, then the affair can be survived. I have known many couples who have used affairs as “wake-up calls” and gone on to have excellent marriages.
Karuna John is Associate Editor, Tehelka.com.
karuna@tehelka.com
