‘We, of unsound mind, demand’

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All we want is what the good people of Khajuraho had, whoever they may have been
All we want is what the good people of Khajuraho had, whoever they may have been

Tehelka makes a petition to the President of India on behalf of lovers across the country

An annual cops-in-love parade
Yon well-muscled folks insist that they are human, ‘just like us’. But we won’t believe it until we see it. Now get out there and hold some hands.

Mid-life crisis tax break 
Sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Go out into the wild, open spaces and find who you really are. That’s usually a little expensive. Help?

Dostana without Priyanka
If only there was a nice, special edition without that nice, special lady. We are quite happy to watch.

Compulsory cooking class
We will be fitter, richer. Less smug. Nicer to our mothers. We will increase the GDP and, oh yeah, occasionally seduce with food.

Catechism for landlords
Tenants should examine prospective landlords to understand how ‘decent’ they are. All landlords should be asked how often they have visitors over and how often they cheat on their spouses.

Romance novels for men
You could have book jackets in bracing, masculine colours, full of vim and vigour and sperm count. But please let the insides be just juicy indulgences for mopey weekends. Promise, the suicide rates will fall.

Big, fat court marriages
Please, can we get our civil unions in nice, happy places? Please, can we not have to shout our names through windows, standing in line before an angry man who wants to register his third borewell?

Sex stores
Can we please acknowledge the fact that the Kamasutra was written in this country? If our sex lives are to be half as exciting as that of our gods, a little leather help in the bedroom would go a long way.

Khaps for love
White-whiskered elders to shelter the ‘eloped’ and admonish a finger at self-righteous mobs would be a wonderful thing. If they feed pigeons and say ‘Aa, aa’ in grave bass tones, it would be even better. But we need some village elders on our side. Even village elders.

Rainbow family awards
An opposite of the Darwin Awards given to families who have contributed the most to stirring up the gene pool in interesting ways. If we have better noses in the future, it might be thanks to them.

Touchy-feely public art
What? You object to a little open-air frisson? All we want is what the good people of Khajuraho had, whoever they may have been. Okay, maybe not so much. Our blood has thinned since then, but a little eroticism goes a long way.

Lower movie ticket prices 
Cinema is not the paradiso that it once was. And not like there’s much else to do in the evenings.

More 24/7 chemists
Life is inelegant and opportunities strike at odd hours. The vigorous dash about town in search of the missing pharmacist does not help that loving feeling.

Ban Valentine’s Day 
Frankly, it’s a bore for anyone with a life, fundamentalists included. You take sides. You are either an idiot or a pervert or a reactionary or a victim of globalisation. Let’s get rid of the damn thing and start afresh with a new day. November 22 anyone?

More benches
Enough said.

Illustration: Samia Singh

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