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Shakira has been cast as Kali in a Bollywood film
Shakira has been cast as Kali in a Bollywood film

Compiled By Nisha Susan

A letter

Dear Karan Arora, CEO of the production house casting Shakira, we wanted to write to you and congratulate you. We are generally bored by the arrival of white people in Bollywood. But Shakira is small and hot and has crazy hair. And she’s going to play Kali, oops, we meant Kaali — The Warrior Goddess. But we were assured of entertainment when you announced that you guys picked her because she is dusky and you wanted someone dusky. Darling Karan, Kaali was not dusky and neither is Shakira, but that is likely to be the least of your problems. See you soon.


Home stay


Someone has to explain Ranbir Kapoor to us. There he is, a little vacant and mostly adorable, charming susceptible ladies off the trees. He is in the middle of a great run and now he is going to take time to direct, produce and act in a film with his parents Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh. What on earth could this project be? Here is his father’s almost as baffling explanation. “Since my father Raj Kapoor directed his father Prithviraj Kapoor and himself, Ranbir too wants to do the same.” Historical precedent is a weird thing.



What we wanted was to celebrate the arrival of Kajol and Ajay Devgn’s second baby but we couldn’t get pictures to make ‘oh-so-cute-I-want-eat-him’ noises. Or make oh that son of a Devgun jokes like the baby-loving Shah Rukh Khan, but what we have instead is the matrimonial venture of this couple. Alright then. Who could possibly object to the harmless and vague Konkona Sen and Ranvir Shorey making honest people of each other? Oh, so cute, we are glad they got married.



Penguin is delighted to announce the acquisition of a new title from a first-time author, Jamil Ahmad, a 79-year-old Pakistani, says the press release. Forget Penguin, we are delighted! Words like clarity, power, extraordinary are being tossed about. Our only note of disquiet is that it is calledThe Wandering Falcon. It is the kind of name that leads to books full of italics, ancient tradition and bosomy heroines. But this is a collection of short stories, so perhaps we will escape that fate.


‘Infidelity does not unnerve me’


By Aastha Atray Banan

Has your notion of an ‘ideal’ relationship changed over time?
My belief in the idea that the relationship will, ultimately, end has been extremely liberating. I try less, and I am way happier now.

If you discovered that your partner was cheating on you, how would you feel?
I guess it depends on the equity invested, and what cutting my losses would leave in stock. I am quite relaxed about people doing their own thing, so the idea of infidelity doesn’t unnerve me as long as they leave me out of it.

How would you react if you came home to find your 13-year-old rolling a joint or having sex?
I would ask them to roll me a joint, too. If I caught them having sex I would shut the bedroom door.

What is the best and the worst thing about being a well-known celebrity?
People can hate you without ever having known you. A columnist-blogger who I have never met once shat on me from a great height in a personal capacity.

Do you feel a disjunct between the person the world sees as a celebrity and who you really are?
I don’t know how the world sees me since I don’t really go ‘out there’. I am usually slacking about in my room or in the mountains. When I do go out, I drink so much I don’t notice myself and, before long, neither do the others.

What is so fascinating about writing?
I don’t really know what it is about writing. I don’t know anything, really. But I’m a good bluff.

If you had to start your own religion, what would it be based on?
Love, freedom from suffering, political transparency, chocolate cake.


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