The Best Bet

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With new heroes and architectural marvels, Mumbai could reflect a somewhat shinier India, says Ramu Ramanathan

MARATHI WOULD be the official language of India; followed by Gujarati, Urdu, Telugu, Sindhi; then English, Hindi and Tulu
•The South Block would be South Mumbai; and North Block, the North of South Mumbai
• Instead of the Kilachands, Lodhis, Tughlaqs and Mughals, we would study the history of Birlas, Godrejs, Mittals, Tatas and Queenie Dhody
• The glory of the Qutub Minar would be overshadowed by enthusiastic tourists flocking to Antilia. (Wrapping your arms around the monument would get you a free voucher from Reliance!)
• Replacing tombs honouring ancient rulers, our new monuments would pay homage to the bulls and bears of Dalal Street. Their presence will be for 11 months, based on the pagdi system
• A Pydhonie Kutchi will be made finance minister. From day one, India’s GDP will gallop at 112 percent
• RBI HQ will be shifted out of Mumbai to St Kitts and Mauritius
• Ganapati Visarjan would become the new Republic Day
• The union of the Dabbawallahs will become a protected industry, like Khadi Gram Udyog
• Casting for Bollywood films will be through tenders. All actors (including Himesh Reshammiya) will have to fill a triplicate attested gazetted form, every time a Bollywood producer wants to cast them. (In spite of this, Bollywood films will continue to flop)
• There will be no MNS and Shiv Sena street fights, since both Raj and Uddhav will be given chairmanship of the Central Committee that reviews all the other 27,314 Central Committees and 78,900 Sub-Committees
• Traffic will not be held up for VVIP entourage; since traffic rarely moves in Mumbai
• Anna Hazare would not be allowed to fast; since all the maidans would be booked three years in advance. Therefore, he would sit on top of a 4 Ltd double-decker bus. His spin doctors will call it “the BEST rally”
• There would be a Union Cabinet minister for the Ministry of Mafia. The Ministry of Underworld of course, would be run by a separate department
• Most ministers will live in PG accommodations at Colaba
• The Spirit of Mumbai will be tharra (served till 11.59 pm only)
• A Maratha will finally be PM of India

Ramanathan is a Mumbai-based playwright.

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