Seven Course Meal


By Nisha Susan

7 khoon Maaf

*98 Invaluable Points


Vishal Bhardwaj

Priyanka Chopra

John Abraham

Neil Nitin Mukesh 

+9 TO RANJAN PALIT’S cinematography that makes every frame full of tactile textures.

+9 TO PRIYANKA CHOPRA FOR AVOIDING playing ‘adorable’. Plus 10 points for showing us she is capable of more than her usual competent but lightweight self in the Russian roulette scene.

+10 FOR THE MOST hilariously fake CGI-generated panther that we were ready for because of the hilariously fake machaan.

+10 FOR SUSANNA FINDING John Abraham at her first husband’s funeral. Bringing whole new meaning to the funeral meats furnishing the marriage table. Plus 5 for John naked in a bow tie.

+10 FOR THE ROCK PERIOD IF VISHAL intended it as cruel parody. Minus 5 for Priyanka and John lying half-dressed in the cemetery. That variety of memento mori sex can only be allowed in jeans ads.

+7 FOR THE ISMAT CHUGHTAI moment when PC and Irrfan make an elephant under their lihaaf. 10 for naming the Russian Vronsky and Susanna reading Anna Karenina.

+9 TO IRRFAN KHAN FOR being a convincing sadomasochist. Second runner-up for the most annoying stereotype. First prize to the Russian as a spy stereotype.

+5 FOR KONKONA SEN’S VERY BORING Fabindia interior design that matches her boring Fabindia character. Minus 5 points for not making her screechy self the seventh victim.

for waving a phallic stump at Priyanka. Minus 9 points to Neil for setting our teeth on edge a la Kangana whenever he speaks English.

+5 WHEN SUSANNA says her seventh husband is dead and wiggles her tongue. Nice Blood of Christ reference.

+10 THOUGH WE’RE GRUMPY ABOUT making Susanna a nun, this was the first sign of her having a vocation. Luckily, she is still passionate. In Vivian Gornick’s absence, we’ll have to settle for Ruskin Bond.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Comment moderation is enabled. Your comment may take some time to appear.