By Nisha Susan
*98 Invaluable Points
Neil Nitin Mukesh
+9 TO RANJAN PALIT’S cinematography that makes every frame full of tactile textures.
+9 TO PRIYANKA CHOPRA FOR AVOIDING playing ‘adorable’. Plus 10 points for showing us she is capable of more than her usual competent but lightweight self in the Russian roulette scene.
+10 FOR THE MOST hilariously fake CGI-generated panther that we were ready for because of the hilariously fake machaan.
+10 FOR SUSANNA FINDING John Abraham at her first husband’s funeral. Bringing whole new meaning to the funeral meats furnishing the marriage table. Plus 5 for John naked in a bow tie.
+10 FOR THE ROCK PERIOD IF VISHAL intended it as cruel parody. Minus 5 for Priyanka and John lying half-dressed in the cemetery. That variety of memento mori sex can only be allowed in jeans ads.
+7 FOR THE ISMAT CHUGHTAI moment when PC and Irrfan make an elephant under their lihaaf. 10 for naming the Russian Vronsky and Susanna reading Anna Karenina.
+9 TO IRRFAN KHAN FOR being a convincing sadomasochist. Second runner-up for the most annoying stereotype. First prize to the Russian as a spy stereotype.
+5 FOR KONKONA SEN’S VERY BORING Fabindia interior design that matches her boring Fabindia character. Minus 5 points for not making her screechy self the seventh victim.
+8 TO NEIL NITIN MUKESH
for waving a phallic stump at Priyanka. Minus 9 points to Neil for setting our teeth on edge a la Kangana whenever he speaks English.
+5 WHEN SUSANNA says her seventh husband is dead and wiggles her tongue. Nice Blood of Christ reference.
+10 THOUGH WE’RE GRUMPY ABOUT making Susanna a nun, this was the first sign of her having a vocation. Luckily, she is still passionate. In Vivian Gornick’s absence, we’ll have to settle for Ruskin Bond.