‘I lost control over my mind and could not see what I was doing’

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 Illustration: Mayanglambam Dinesh
Illustration: Mayanglambam Dinesh

One can’t walk for too long on a razor’s edge. A month ago, I did the unthinkable and crossed the final limits of decency. Fuelled by alcohol and other substances, I lost my temper and ended up hurting and scaring my best friend, my lover and my most honest critic. She has meant the world to me. I realise that now, once again, with more clarity than ever before.

That night, I scared her so much that she walked out of the car and left with some friends of a common friend at 3.30 in the morning. This, at that time, made me angrier, and I descended into a vicious and destructive spiral of rage and compulsive behaviour. I followed that car. As if being frightened wasn’t enough, she had to go through the public humiliation of taking a personal fight to a friend’s house, where she spent the rest of the night.

I stayed up in her house, calling and texting like a raging maniac. I had lost control over my mind and simply could not see what I was doing. To make matters worse, in a state of unfettered madness, I acted deranged over the phone and behaved like a monster the following morning too. She has since broken up with me. She is hurt and shaken. She doesn’t reply to my messages or calls. It seems like my presence in her life has been clinically removed. I have ceased to exist for her.

We were an unrestrictive couple on most days. We had our own sorted, individual scenes and then our common scene. Lots of people who hang out with us shared the same opinion. However, something was bothering both of us. Living in a big city in different localities only added to the stress and mess of coordinating meetings and sleepovers. I wish I had seen it coming more clearly. I would have if I had not been numbing myself with intoxicants and thinking that all is well.

On both sides, there must have been bottled-up resentment. However, there was a lot of respect and love. Perhaps, a lot of miscommunication, taking things too easy, and not expressing my emotions enough also affected the trust between us. Which relationship doesn’t have those? I gave up the quest for a ‘perfect’ relationship a while ago. All I wanted was to share my life and love with her and cherish little joys. I don’t want to be with anybody else. I respect her decision.

However, I now have to live with the fact that I lost my way. I began to abuse alcohol and things spiralled out of control rapidly. Yet I did not seek help. The signs were there though — outbursts of alcohol-filled anger, blackouts, adolescent behaviour high on risk-taking, not knowing where to draw the line. We even spoke about them, but before I could do anything to address them, I crashed. I hurt her, the gentlest soul I have ever met.

Earlier, the nights were warmer even when we were not snuggled up together. There was a warm feeling, a gentle sense of content, knowing that she was there; someone who’d think about me. Now there is a heavy cold fog that hangs everywhere. In this darkness, it is easier to give up and let the pain end, easier still to put myself to sleep for good. Therefore, simplicity is my refuge. ‘Never do nothing’, is what keeps me going. There is still some strength and succour left.

What makes me drink so much? What made me compulsive, obsessive and eventually monstrous? Some of these answers are neither obvious nor simple, I guess.

The cleansing has begun, though. I have begun consulting a psychologist, taking medicines, doing yoga; the blinkers are slowly disappearing. If you see your behaviour reflected in this, I can only say — seek help and prevent a soul-crushing catastrophe that you’d be inflicting on yourself and the loved ones around you.

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